And I Grieve
by hobbleit
Summary: Song fic, lyrics by Anathema.  Dean reflects on the death in his life.


**A/N: This is the first Supernatural Story I have written in what seems like forever but I thought the song adequately suited Dean.**

**The lyrics and title are from _One Last Goodbye_ by Anathema, an amazing song which everyone should listen too :D**

**Disclaimer: Still don't own Supernatural even after all these years. Damn. No infringement intended.**

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><p><em>How I needed you<br>How I grieve now you're gone  
>In my dreams I see you, <em>_I awake so alone_

You would think he would be used to it by now. All the death. It never did though. Every time he lost someone it cut through him, tore a new wound inside him that would never completely heal. There had been so many now, almost too many to keep count but he remembered. He remembered every single one of them. It was almost as if it was to punish him, to keep remembered all of his loved ones that had died.

_I know you didn't want to leave  
>Your heart yearned to stay<br>But the strength I always loved in you  
>Finally gave way<em>

He blamed himself for them all. Even if they were not directly his fault, just knowing him got them killed. It was like a curse. He was cursed. He just had to meet someone and they'd be cursed to die a painful and horrible death.

It had started with his mother, all those years ago. She had been murdered by that yellow eyed son of a bitch and his father had been set on a path of revenge. The deaths had continued from there. Friends, relatives, acquaintances, fellow hunters. They all had died and it was all his fault.

_Somehow I knew you would leave me this way  
>Somehow I knew you could never, never stay<br>And in the early morning light  
>After a silent peaceful night<br>You took my heart away_

_And I grieve_

He couldn't decide in his mind whose death had been the worst. His mother's was brutal and horrible but he had only been a child at the time. Still, the agonising feeling of having his mother ripped away from him at a young age still haunted him. It was a deep throb inside his heart that would never disappear. That death had shaped his entire life, made him the man he was today.

His father's was just as bad, only now he was old enough to remember it clearly and it affected him greatly. He still couldn't accept that his father had made a deal with a demon in order to save his life. He didn't deserve to be saved, his father could have dealt with everything a lot better than he could.

The night he held Sam in his arms as he died was the worst night of his life. He had tried so hard to save Sam, protect him from Azazel but in the end nothing he did was good enough. He was not good enough and he couldn't even protect his own brother. He'd had to sell his own soul in order to get his brother back, the person who mattered most to him. He hadn't wanted to go to Hell but it had still been worth it to know that Sammy was okay. Well, that's what he had thought at the time, it didn't go to plan that way.

_In my dreams I can see you  
>I can tell you how I feel<br>In my dreams I can hold you  
>It feels so real<em>

There had been many more and he remembered each and every one of them. Some of them had been senseless or, even worse, preventable but he mourned them all. He mourned them because it had been his fault.

_I still feel the pain  
>I still feel your love<br>I still feel the pain  
>I still feel your love<em>

They haunted his dreams and they haunted his waking moments. He would replay their deaths over and over again in his head until he thought he was going crazy. He couldn't let them go, couldn't say goodbye to them. There were too many to say goodbye to so they continued to trouble him.

He drank but that didn't stop the pain, it only made the nightmares worse. It made him feel even more guilty that he couldn't save them.

It was all his fault, after all.

_Somehow I knew you could never, never stay_

_Somehow I knew you would leave me  
>And in the early morning light<br>After a silent peaceful night  
>You took my heart away<br>I wish you could have stayed_


End file.
